


And If I Go...

by Puffinpastry



Category: Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dragon Quest XI Act III Spoilers, M/M, all of this could’ve been avoided if they just talked, break-ups, i have no idea how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23856079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puffinpastry/pseuds/Puffinpastry
Summary: In the aftermath of their journey, Eleven is keeping secrets, and Erik notices.As his suspicions grow, and Eleven only becomes more distant, Erik makes a rash decision, and Eleven has to pay the price.
Relationships: Camus | Erik/Hero | Luminary (Dragon Quest XI)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

“Geez.” Mia groans from where she sits on her bed, a comic book open in her lap. “You don’t need to clean up for me. I never asked you to.”

Erik stops, the cleaning rag still in hand. He’s staring at the bookshelf, the wood becoming gray with dust. She couldn’t be studying if she never took the books off the shelf. Maybe he should talk to the headmaster. See what her grades are like. “I know.” He says, continuing to clean. He’s not used to having to tidy up a room. Or himself, really. But neither is Mia. Even less so for her, until this dorm room, the only place she’d ever lived was the little hovel they had with the Vikings. And there’d never been any reason to keep that place clean.

But this room wasn’t a hovel. It was nice. Warm. Mia had a good home here. It should be clean. “But you don’t seem to be doing any tidying yourself.”

Erik doesn’t see her shrug, but he doesn’t need to. “I don’t need to. There’s a cleaning lady that comes by and dusts the rooms and sweeps the floors every week. Should be here tomorrow.”

He doesn’t respond. Just kept on cleaning. Erik doesn’t know what to say anymore. He’s been here so many times, and he’s asked all the questions he had.

He knows that she’s having trouble making friends, but she has her roommate, and it’s getting easier. He knows that she loves her offensive magic classes, but falls asleep during history.

He knows she’s been pickpocketing, and that she's gotten in trouble a few times, but they’ve already talked about that.

So, he just keeps cleaning.

“Why do you keep coming here?” 

“Do you not want me to come?” Erik asks, “I just want to see how you’re holding up here.” That was the truth, as of a few months ago. Mia was doing wonderfully here. Even if it seems like she doesn’t study enough.

“Bull.” Mia snorts at him. He hears her get up from her bed, and  _ Goddess  _ her footsteps are just as silent as his. Neither one of them has been able to drop that habit. “You’re coming here constantly. And El isn’t coming with you, so that means you  _ aren’t  _ zooming. It’s no day trip here from Dundrasil.”

She’s standing right next to him now.

Erik keeps his eyes straight. He won’t be able to look her in the eye  _ and  _ keep up his charade.

As if he’d be able to keep any secrets from her at all.

“Why are you  _ here? _ ” Mia asked again. “El will be leaving soon. You should be there, with him.”

Being with him was the problem. 

Erik should really just confess that before it was dragged out of him.

He let the dust rag fall to the floor.

He pressed the heel of his hand against his eyes, against the growing headache behind them.

“Erik?” She sounded concerned now, not sarcastic or annoyed. Did he really look that bad?

Erik turned away from her, crossing the small room to sit down on the bed.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Erik confessed. “At all.”

Mia sat next to him. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Mia says, laying her head down on his shoulder. “You’ve got a good thing goin’ on there. A whole castle, awesome food, and you’ll be getting married soon. You’re living in the lap of luxury!”

“The luxury is the problem, Mia.” 

“Don’t complain. You’ve got a whole wing of a castle to yourselves!” What, did she think he thought it wasn’t  _ enough _ ? 

“Not like that.” Erik tried to elaborate, “It’s… him. And me, and… I don’t recognize him anymore.” El had this… Coldness about him now that he’d never had before. 

All he did was work, day in and day out. Giving himself precious little time for anything else.

Including Erik.

“I don’t know the castle. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, to where I’m supposed to go. I keep leaving because I don’t feel like it’s my home.”

“Well, at some point you said yes to him because you did know him, and because you were ready to make a home with him, right? You just need to talk to him, and tell him what you told me.” Mia held his hand, it was so infrequent that she was this nice, but - “Seriously. I don’t know why you’re spilling this all to me, it’s not like I can fix your shit.”

There it was.

“You’re the one who asked, you little shit.” Erik said, easily falling into a familiar routine. “Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer.”

Mia laughed, and it only hurt a little. “Get out of here,” she said, pushing Erik up, “You’ve got a boat or two to catch, don’t you?”

~~

Dundrasil was still mostly ruins. The palace was getting the most attention at the moment, while the town was still mainly untouched.

It made sense to do it in this order.

Giving the royal family a place to live while they renewed the crop fields and farms.

They couldn’t welcome back their populace without anything to see them through the winter.

Speaking of which, there were many more people milling about the ruined city than Erik had expected. Tarps were tied down over buildings and houses, and the sounds of construction filled the air.

How long exactly had Erik been gone? It couldn’t have been over a month, right?

People waved at him as he passed through the darkening town, and Erik tried not to cringe.

He didn’t know how to act.

What would happen if he did something wrong? He would be representing this kingdom himself, very soon. He didn’t want to mess up before he even had a chance.

Erik hoped that the brief and stilted greetings he gave were good enough as he tried not to look too hurried to get back to the castle.

Erik considered himself lucky that his and El’s quarters were so easy to find. Where practically anything else in the castle was, barring the kitchen of course, is still a near mystery whenever he finds himself needing to go somewhere specific. 

But all he needed to do to get back to the room with his bed, was go up the staircase behind the little indoor garden-fountain-area, follow the biggest doors through to the throne room, and take the left hall to the end of the corridor.

The guards posted on either side of the double doors let him pass, and Erik pushed the doors open without knocking. There wasn’t any real need to, since there was no way he would be intruding on anything too serious.

El’s quarters were made up of two separate rooms.

First was a sitting room. 

It was always dimly lit, one lantern hanging from each wall is all there is to light up the small table, two overly cushy sofas, and two also overly cushy armchairs.

They’d had tea with Rab in it when they’d first moved into the castle, but other than that all the room was mainly used as a place to keep all the papers and blueprints and plans for the rebuilding of the town.

From there he was in their bedroom.

It’s an extravagant room. Too much for his own comfort, sometimes. When Erik first started living here, it had felt like a vacation. Something temporary. Something special.

He’d expected that feeling to go away, he’d expected it to be replaced with familiarity, and maybe he would still grow to feel that way, but as of now.. he felt like an intruder.

He felt like each time he touched something in this room, each time he would lay down on the bed, or sit down on one of the sofas, he left a stain. A blemish that couldn’t be washed out.

So, he didn’t sit. He stood in the doorway to the bedroom and looked around.

“I do so wish you would knock.”

El was seated at the desk shoved in the corner of the room. The surface of the desk was overflowing with scrolls, books, and loose papers. He had his head propped up in one hand, while the other held up one corner of a blueprint.

The door closes behind Erik, and El turns away from his work.

He smiled, but it wasn’t quite right. “Oh!” He said, “I thought you were someone else. It’s good to have you home.” But he didn’t move. Just turned back to the blueprint, marking changes and making notes. “How was Mia?”

“She’s doing fine.” Erik answered, joining El at his desk, turning a second chair around to rest his arms on the back. “The town looks busy.”

“That’s good.” El said without looking up. The blueprint was just for a simple house. Something big enough for a family, but not so big too many would take up too much space in town. “How was the ferry?”

“Awful.” Erik answered quickly. It always was. “I miss Sylvando’s ship. Sitting under deck in the dark, feels like I’m a stowaway on those little boats- you alright?”

El was looking at him oddly. “Sorry,” he said, shaking his head, “Forget it, you just reminded me of someone.”

Someone. Erik tried not to let the simple word make him too uncomfortable. “Who’s that, then?” 

_ Thought you were someone else.  _

Erik felt something cold in his heart.

He’d overlooked it, but… Who besides Erik would be coming through his chambers without knocking?

“No one important.” Eleven set down his pen, and pushed away from the desk, stretching. Erik cringed at the popping sounds. “Have you eaten? I could call up the chef-“

“No,” Erik lied, “I ate on the way back. I’d just like to get to bed.”

Somehow, Erik had expected more than just going to  _ sleep _ .

He laid himself against El’s back, pressed a kiss behind his ear, and let his hand roam down to his hip.

It wasn’t often he was here in the castle, even less so that El came to bed at a reasonable time, after all. 

“No, Erik.” Eleven said, grabbing Erik’s hand to still it. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired.” 

“You don’t need to explain yourself.” Erik said, trying to hide his disappointment. “Or apologize.” He felt El let go of his hand, and let it drape against his chest instead. Erik lay his head on the same pillow as Eleven, closed his eyes, and pretended that there wasn’t a divide between them.

~~

When Erik woke, he was alone in their bed.

The sun was bright, and the sheets were cold.

Sitting up, Erik looked around their room.

Eleven wasn’t at his desk, and his circlet wasn’t on its stand.

He’d already gotten dressed and left, without so much as waking Erik to say goodbye.

Crestfallen, Erik lay back against the pillows.

He knew Eleven was busy.

He understood, truly, but it didn’t make him feel any less lonely.

He lay in bed for about as long as he could stand the quiet.

What was he even meant to do?

Erik had no duties, he had no responsibilities.

He had no job.

All he could do was walk around aimlessly, wait for El to have any free time, wait for their wedding.

Maybe after that, he would have a point.

Maybe he could start helping Eleven, then.

But it was months away.

Days passed like this, with Erik having little to do other than wander around, sleep, and hope that El had any spare time or attention for him,

Though his hopes were frequently pointless.

Eleven was busy, he knew, but still…

He didn’t feel close, anymore.

He didn’t smile as much. He didn’t take the time to talk to Erik about much of anything.

Most of their conversations were so painfully casual, as if Erik was just more castle staff.

He was tired, Erik told himself, as he found himself walking along the castle gardens.

Nothing was growing yet but weeds.

But still, it was oddly beautiful. 

The lattice and trellises for the flowers that would someday bloom were all finished, and they had commissioned sculptors from all over Erdrea to add their works to the gardens, statues and gorgeous fountains, still unseen by the world, dotted throughout.

It was empty, but Erik still enjoyed it here.

Voices drifted up to him.

Eleven was here.

Erik hurried after the sound, hoping to catch his fiancé, and maybe trail after him for the afternoon.

It wasn’t much, following behind the prince with his guards and whoever he was supposed to be entertaining or whatever it was he did, but it was still time.

And if Erik really wanted to repair whatever it was that was breaking between them, then that was the most important thing he could have.

Except-

Erik ducked behind one of the sculptures.

El wasn’t with his guards.

He wasn’t with any dignitaries or visitors.

Just one gardener.

Peering around, Erik felt sick.

Eleven was laughing brightly at something the other man had said.

And that other man… 

He had a hand on Eleven’s arm.

He was smiling openly, standing too close.

“Prince Eleven! You’re lagging behind,” Erik heard Rab call, “You’ll have plenty of time to relax later. We have work to do.”

Eleven muttered an apology to the gardener, and hurried after his grandfather.

Erik had to be wrong.

Eleven-

It was certainly possible.

He really wasn’t ever home.

But even so… El wasn’t the kind of man. He was loyal to a fault.

Erik twisted the golden band on his finger.

He was Erik’s first, his only, and Eleven his. They… 

Maybe that was the problem.

Maybe they should’ve thought this out more. Maybe Eleven has grown bored of waiting for Erik to come home.

To stay home.

Maybe now was the time to do so.

If for no other reason, he’d find out if his suspicions were true.

~~

Days passed, and Erik remained in the castle.

Hung close to Eleven’s quarters, to the gardens, but found no more interactions.

That should’ve made him feel better.

But Eleven was still distant.

Still friendly, but in a way that he was to everyone.

He didn’t touch Erik, and he didn’t laugh so fully, not like he did for the gardener.

“Have you decided what you’ll be doing when I leave?”

“Sorry?” Erik asked, when he  _ leaves?  _ “Oh.” Erik realized, “You mean Angri-La.”

“Right.” El said. “I’ll be gone for about six months.”

“I haven’t thought about it.” Erik realized. Six months. Half a year. What the hell was he supposed to do? What would happen here, with… everything? “I’ll figure something out.”

“Good.” Eleven said, gathering a few scrolls and sheets of parchment. “You haven’t been doing much here. I don’t want you to get bored while I’m gone.”

As if he wasn’t bored, now.

As if he wasn’t already alone for most of the day.

“No way they’d let me come with you?” Erik forced his tone to sound joking. 

“You know they won’t.” Eleven said, “Are you sure you don’t want to come? For the greet, not Angri-La.”

“I’m sure.” Erik said, lounging back on the sofa, trying to at least appear interested in whatever book he was holding. 

“If you’re sure.” Eleven said from the doorway. “I’ll only be a few hours, we can get dinner when I’m back, okay?”

“Sounds good.” Erik said, and waited.

Waited for that second door to close.

Waited until the echoing armored footsteps of his guards were gone.

Waited until he couldn’t stand it any longer.

Erik didn’t know what he was looking for.

What could he even find that would give El away? Jewelry would be no tell. Perfumes, either. They had mountains of both that they never wore… 

And it wasn’t as if the gardener would be wearing either.

Erik dipped open the drawers, one by one. He wasn’t thinking straight. He needed to slow down, he needed to focus.

Except… Wedged between a velvet forest green cloak and the side of the drawer, was a thick journal.

Leather-bound and falling apart on the spine. Smaller papers and marks stuck out between the pages.

Carefully, Erik pulled the book from its resting place.

There was another underneath it. Much newer, hardly used.

Setting the older one aside, Erik opened the second.

The first page was tear-stained, drops of water dispelling the ink and making some of the little doodles in the margins illegible.

_ To Erik, _

_ With love, _

_ Eleven _

Erik felt cold.

This… None of the writing inside was his.

He’d never kept a journal.

He’d never been given this.

And the old one…

Erik recognized it.

El had begun writing in it not long after they met, and didn’t stop until they’d settled here, but…

It was so much more worn than Erik remembered it.

Like it had been dragged through hell and back.

Carefully putting the new journal back in place, he took up the old one, and began to read.

This was wrong.

This was a breach of trust, an invasion of privacy-

Erik flipped through the pages, skimming El’s neat handwriting. He recognized all these stories, all these places and events.

Erik felt like shit. El was just  _ stressed _ . He was overworked and tired. He wasn’t the one betraying Erik. No. That honor belonged to  _ him,  _ stealing El’s fucking  _ diary _ , as if he had any right-

Something caught Erik’s eye.

A whole page blacked out.

As if Eleven had painted the paper with ink.

He couldn’t make out a single word.

Flipping back a few pages, Erik was able to place when it was done.

This was just before they climbed to Yggdrasil.

Why would he… 

Something truly felt wrong, as Erik continued to read, turning page after page, feeling a tide of nausea rise in his gut.

Things were scribbled out all throughout these chapters, and what remained didn’t make a lick of sense.

Names that he didn’t recognize.

What was the Last Bastion? When had El climbed to Angri-La? Who were the Soldiers of Smile? Who…  _ Gyldygga _ . The name made no sense. Erik has never heard it before in his life and yet… 

He suddenly felt as if Mia was in danger.

In his mind he caught a glimpse of a palace made of pure gold, gilded monsters patrolling the halls and hoarding stolen wealth in corners.

He suddenly knew what it felt like to truly be petrified.

The journal fell to the floor when Erik jumped out of his skin. The door to their quarters had slammed shut.

Erik’s pulse was loud in his ears, his heart slamming against his ribs.

Erik barely had time to pluck the book from the ground before the inner door was open, Eleven closing the door neatly, and pulling his circlet from his hair.

“Erik,” El said, smiling, “I didn’t expect you to be here, still.” He carefully laid the adornment on their dresser, and took a step closer to where Erik stood, journal still in hand, half-hidden behind his back.

Erik took a step back.

He felt sick.

Eleven wasn’t having an affair.

He’d been an idiot to even think that… 

But this.

He didn’t even know what it was, but it was so much worse.

Eleven stopped. “Erik? Are you okay?”

Feeling like there was a film between himself and the world around him, Erik held the journal out.

Eleven’s eyes were wide. “You didn’t-“

“What is this?” Erik demanded, “All these things in here…” So many questions he had, so many things he couldn’t even begin to make sense of.

El wasn’t looking at him.

No, his eyes were still fixed on the journal. “Everything was fine.” He said in a monotone, “Everything…” Erik nearly flinched when his eyes finally met. “Why would you…”

“Eleven-“

“It’s all been ruined, now.” Eleven ripped the book from Erik’s hands, holding it so tightly that his hands were white-knuckled. “I should have  _ burned  _ this.”

He sounded wretched. “How much did you read?” His hands were shaking.

What was it? Rage,  _ fear _ ?

Erik crosses his arms, feeling cold. “Until- Until Gyldygga.”

Eleven didn’t speak for a heartbeat.

His hands continued to shake.

Then-

A broken sigh, almost a sob. He relaxed, let the tension leave, but he was anything but calm.

“Sit down. I’m- I’m sure you have questions.”

Erik sat across from El, who was staring down at the table between them. 

Erik could hear the ticking of the grandfather clock in the adjacent room.

The sound had never seemed so loud.

Eleven’s fingers drummed on the edge of the cover. 

A nervous habit he’d only recently developed.

Erik wanted to feel bad.

He wanted to be able to get up, and sit down in Eleven’s lap like he used to, say something silly and make him smile. 

Wanted to tell him how much he loved him, how sorry he was for leaving him alone here, for reading through the diary.

He wanted to say he’d forget its contents. That they could go back to how things had been before.

But he just couldn’t.

“Why did you read this?” Eleven finally asked. “What - what drove you to find it? I’d… I’d hidden it for a reason.”

The fact that Eleven needed to hide it should be reason enough. But he deserved the truth, at least. “I thought… I thought you were having an affair.” Erik felt stupid to admit it. “You kept talking about someone, but wouldn’t say who. When I got home, you told me to knock, and… You were so friendly to that gardener...” Flimsy excuses. Pitiful reasons. Erik was just being jealous. Except… 

That journal changes everything.

Was this even his Eleven?

Or was he explaining himself to a stranger?

El chucked, but it was humorless. “I thought you were Rab. Whenever you’re gone, he would bring tea, just to make sure I ate. And Oskar is just a friend. He’s been nice to me, and since you’re always gone, and not everyone can visit so regularly, it was nice to have a friend.”

Every word hammered home how much of a jackass Erik had been. Of course the explanation would be simple, and of course El would be lonely with Erik always gone, but… 

“And you reminded me of you.” 

“I’m sorry?” Erik asked, his train of thought gone.

“I never planned on telling you any of this.” Eleven confessed. “But you read it.”

Erik didn’t know what to say. What to do.

What was there to say? 

Eleven still wasn’t looking at him. “Something - something happened. I’m sorry, this is complicated.” El took a deep breath, and began to explain.

By the end, Erik felt like crying. “I can’t believe-“ He croaked out, “I can't believe you’d hide all this from me.”

“I wanted to protect you from it. I wanted- I wanted to  _ forget _ .”

Eleven dragged his hands over his face, but said nothing more.

Still seated at his desk, he didn’t turn to Erik. He didn’t get up, he didn’t defend himself or his choices, he didn’t do  _ anything _ , and that is what hurt the most.

Some job he did at  _ forgetting.  _ It was bitter, and petty, but he couldn’t help it. All this time. All these looks, all this distance, was because Erik was being compared to someone else. 

Was he not living up to this other Erik? 

Erik didn’t know what to do, anymore.

He hadn’t for a long time.

Perhaps not since he’d first met Eleven. He didn’t have an identity anymore, aside from what he was to Eleven.

He’d grown complacent. In everything. 

But not this.

He wouldn’t stay where he was lied to. Where he was a  _ living reminder  _ of hell.

“I’m leaving.” Erik stood from the sofa.

After he’d said it, Erik realized he didn’t actually expect the words to leave his throat.

But it was too late.

Eleven nodded slowly. “I thought you would.”

It felt like someone had taken a fire poker to Erik’s heart, stabbing right through him.

Was that it? Was that  _ all  _ he had to say?

“You- you’re not going to try to stop me?” He wasn’t going to fight, wasn’t going to try to convince Erik to stay, to call the wedding back on-

Eleven looked back up now. 

Erik took a step back.

The look on Eleven’s face- he hadn’t seen it in years.

A cold indifferent mask, the kind he’d used to hide what he really thought.

“And what could I do?” He asked, his voice so carefully neutral that Erik hardly recognized it. This man- this wasn’t Eleven. This wasn’t the man Erik agreed to marry. This was a stranger. “You’ve been leaving for a long time, Erik. You can’t think I hadn’t noticed.”

It was enough to make Erik feel guilty. He had been, whether he knew it or not. More and more time spent away from the castle wherever he could.

Erik looked away.

He couldn’t handle that mask anymore.

He turned to leave.

“What of your things?”

“What things?” Erik asked. He had the clothes on his back and the knife in its sheath. Everything else was Eleven’s, or as good as.

Erik made it to the door by the time Eleven spoke again. “Do you have anywhere to go?”

He - no.

He didn’t.

All of his friends were Eleven’s first and foremost. He couldn’t ask them to come in the middle of this. He supposed, Heliodor… But it had never been home. He couldn’t go to Derk anyway, he had a family now. Erik didn’t belong in any place of opulence. This proved that, if nothing else.

“I’ll figure something out.” It wasn’t winter. There was always a campsite.

“Stay safe, Erik.”

He couldn’t even say goodbye.

The door closed behind him.

And Erik felt more lost than he could ever remember.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t ever very long between visits from all his old friends. They all got too accustomed to seeing each other day in and day out to all stay on opposite ends of the earth for too long.

But this visit was special.

Or, it was supposed to be. 

He was leaving in just a handful of days for Angri-La, and since he’d be gone for so long, it had been Sylvando’s idea to hold a special dinner.

One good simple visit before he left. 

It should’ve been nice.

It should’ve been something to remember, but instead, because of Eleven’s selfishness, his carelessness, it was going to be horrible.

It was nice of them all to come to see him off.

Made coming clean that much easier.

“Don’t tell me Erik’s still isn’t home.” Veronica said, climbing into one of the tall dining chairs. No one thought to help her, each one of them had taken their fair share of angry indignant squawkings from her, and no one was keen on having another, so no one offered her a booster seat, either.

“Of course he’s here,” Jade said, taking her own seat, “Even he wouldn’t miss tonight.”

They all knew about his wandering habits. How he’d be gone from the castle weeks or even months at a time, just to come home and stay for mere days.

Sometimes even hours.

It was Eleven’s fault.

If he hadn’t been so distant. If he hadn’t insisted on seeing the Erik he left rather than the one he had-

Maybe he would’ve stayed home.

Maybe he wouldn’t have left.

But what was done was done, and there wasn’t anything for Eleven to do now.

El was staring down at the empty plate before him.

He wasn’t hungry. 

But the servers would soon be out with dish after dish, and he’d have to choke back the overly rich, overly seasoned, overly decadent food anyway. He missed the simple meals they made on the road.

He missed the surprising simplicity that their lives had under all the crazy while they were all still traveling together.

He missed not being alone in his head, trying to separate his memories from what was in front of him.

“Erik isn’t here.” Eleven said.

“What?” Veronica piped back up, “Then where the hell is he?” As if he’d have the answer. Even if he was only just wandering, he still wouldn’t know. Erik never seemed to have a destination in mind when he took off.

He wished he could just pretend that was still the case, that Erik would make his way back home, someday soon.

Eleven looked up. Everyone was here now, staring at him. Waiting.

There was no time left to pretend. 

Best to just rip the bandages off.

“I don’t know.” Eleven said, “I had hoped he’d gone to one of you.”

“Whatever for?” Serena asked, looking ever so concerned.

Rab, the only one who already knew that Erik had gone, and not for his typical reasons, spared his grandson from having to say it again. “For a place to lay his head. I’m afraid the wedding’s off.” 

_ “Off?”  _ Jade repeated, head whipping back to Eleven to glare a hole through his head. “El,  _ what did you do _ ?”

At least she understood off the bat that it was his fault.

“I think that we’d all like to know that.” Rab muttered, glancing over to Eleven. He’d only gotten the barest of explanations, giving him very little to work with as he cancelled the few preparations that had begun.

All that had been decided on was a date.

And now not even that was left.

“Ellie, darling,” Sylvando pulled out the chair next to Eleven, scooting it close and pulling him into a great bear hug, “We’re not going to let a little spat split you two up! You just tell us what happened, and we’ll all go find our dear Erik and get it all sorted, okay?”

Eleven felt the bitter sting of tears, and bit the inside of his cheek, trying to force them back. He’d been so lucky to have such good friends… And he was about to lose them all forever. “He won’t be coming back.” He said, “And… I don’t blame him.” His old adventure log was heavy in his lap.

He’d read through it so many times, just in the past week… He was sure he’d removed any mention of Veronica’s… There were some things they just didn’t need to know.

He knew that kind of thinking was what prompted all this to begin with. He knew that if they had more questions and he didn’t answer…

Well.

This would likely be the last time any of them wanted to see him again, anyway, questions or not.

Rab was more or less stuck with him, but even so… It was a big castle. He was sure they could figure something out.

Eleven sat the thick tome up on the table, and slid it to the center. “I think it’s time you all read this.”

Jade was the first to open the cover. She skimmed over the first few pages, and looked up, an eyebrow raised. “You… want us to read your journal?”

Eleven nodded. “Skip a little further ahead. There’s… There’s a page that’s all blacked out. Start there.”

Eleven could tell when she had finished reading even as he stared at the table, when the pages stopped turning, when all the air left her lungs in a soft,  _ “oh.” _

She was silent as she let the book pass on to another of their companions.

Eleven kept his eyes down.

He didn’t know what emotion to expect to see in his sister’s eyes, but he knew he wasn’t prepared for it.

“I’m sorry.” Eleven said, knowing that nothing he could say, nothing he could do, would ever be enough. 

All this time. He’d been lying to them all, wearing the face of their dear friend, pretending as if he wasn’t a stranger.

Dinner came, but not a soul touched it. 

The smell only made Eleven’s stomach turn.

The book sat cover-down in the center of the table.

And Eleven had nothing more to say.

What could he say? There wasn’t a single way to string together words to make any of this alright. To make it make sense.

He kept his eyes down. Eleven would rather spend his whole life in the dark than to see what his family thought of him now.

“Eleven.” Jade spoke up, and to his neverending surprise, she didn’t sound angry.

But her disappointment wasn’t any easier to bear. She didn’t continue right away, struggling for the right words.

And Eleven only waited. 

There wasn’t any turning back the clock, now. All he could do was ride out this wave to whatever the future held for him now, and now… He didn’t see a happy one, anymore.

~~

Puerto Valor wouldn’t normally be Erik’s first choice. 

Too hot, too bright, too…  _ populated. _

But it was a port town, it was close, and it wasn’t Gondolia.

He wanted to avoid his old friends. He wanted to leave his past behind him, for real this time. He couldn’t go to Heliodor if he wanted that, and he hated Octogonia just about as much as he did Phnom Nom with its endless market stalls, blinding lights, and blaring sounds.

He couldn’t go back to Sniflheim. He didn’t want to test his patience in Arboria, and he wasn’t going to give himself heatstroke by trying to spend longer than a day in Gallopolis.

His choices were few, and what remained wasn’t all ideal.

So, Peurto Valor. 

He didn’t much care for it. Didn’t much care for most places he’d been, come to think of it.

Ellie was what made it all tolerable- but… 

Ellie was gone. Alive, yes. He knew where he was, but for his own sake, to keep himself from crawling back, hat in hand, begging Eleven to let him come home-

Ellie was gone. Ellie had been gone for years now, replaced by this New Eleven he did not know.

That’s why he left, he had to remind himself. 

That’s why he was doing this.

~~

Erik once was a man that woke before the sun, and even before the birds. Awake, rested or not, and ready to do what the day demanded of him.

That simply wasn’t the case anymore. Sleep was a newly discovered respite, an escape from work, an escape from the thoughts he never did quite manage to shake.

But some mornings he didn’t have the option to turn over and will himself back into dreamless over-sleep. Some mornings he had to find another ship, another crew needing an extra pair of hands for another voyage, another mission, another fishing trip.

But that was easier said than done, some days.

Because some bad days he found himself docked in ports that were not familiar to him, and some even worse days he found himself docked in Gondolia. And some catastrophically terrible days, he managed to find himself docked in Gondolia on the day of their something-or-other muscle competition.

And  _ of course _ , that meant the docks were closed, the inns were full, and he was fighting shoulder-to-shoulder crowds just to find a place to sit and wait it out.

Finally, near the tunnel out of town, Erik found a bar with a few empty seats. A hand shoved into his pocket told him what he could afford, and the heat of the day and the stretching hours ahead of him told Erik that right now he just needed quantity over quality.

Snagging a single barstool, he lifted his hand to signal one of the waitstaff when he heard a heart-stoppingly familiar voice and caught sight of the Heliodorian Crest just above the heads of the crowded pub.

It would figure that the day he finally caught sight of one of his old friends, it would be the one day he didn’t have a ship to board, or anywhere to hide.

At least it was only Hendrik. 

He could likely stay low, keep to the shadows, and miss him. He needed to get out of here. Drink could wait, and standing room didn’t sound too bad, actually-

If only his hair wasn’t bluer than the waves, he might not have been spotted as he stood.

“Princess!” He heard Hendrik shout, and that was the end of any futile plan to keep hidden. Jade was here, too?

Might as well surrender, but Erik never did know when to quit.

He knew he was outmatched, but at the same time, he wasn’t being held back by things like common courtesy or a royal image to uphold.

So there wasn’t anything keeping him from pushing past people without excuse or explanation, or a care for anyone he may have accidentally knocked down.

There was a time and a place for politeness, and Erik never did care to learn when it did belong.

Gondolia was built simply, an easy route mapping out in his head.

If he could just make it closer to the docks, and find a way to the piers, or even just the storeholds, he’d be home free. 

He could hear the trample of iron boots on stone, and somehow even more terrifying,  _ heels  _ on stone. 

And of course, his flight could only have lasted so long. 

Jade’s leg caught him over his shin, but before he could hit the ground, Hendrik had him by the hood of his tunic.

He could still fight. 

It was not above him to wriggle out of his sash and shirt and try to make another mad dash… 

But he was tired.

So tired of running.

He’d managed just about a year and a half in hiding, on the seas, just  _ away _ , and that was no simple feat. If even after all that time, they were still actively looking for him, he wasn’t going to match that time again.

It was time to face the music.

So, instead of fighting, Erik raised his hands, and gave in. “Alright,” he said, looking up but not quite brave enough to meet any eyes. “You got me. What do you want?” Surely they wouldn’t go as far as to  _ kill  _ him, but even if they did, Erik didn’t think he’d mind so much.

“What do I want?” Jade scoffed at him, “An explanation, for one.” She eyed him carefully, as if she expected him to try and bolt again.

Not that that wasn’t a fair assumption. “We have a room at the inn. We can talk there.”

Erik expected as much, but would it have been too much to ask for Hendrik to put him down for the walk there?

Apparently, so.

As soon as the room door was closed behind them, Erik was all but tossed to the floor.

“He told us everything.” 

Erik’s head shot up as she spoke, and he glanced between her and Hendrik, searching for something, anything to tell him that they were lying, or worse.

A single, terrible thought crossed Erik’s mind.

He’d never stopped to think what would happen with them after he left. He never stopped to wonder what Eleven would tell them all, if anything. 

If he would tell them the truth, or fabricate a story.

He’d never have thought that El would do that, before. Would’ve been horrified at himself for even considering that El would even be  _ capable  _ of lying like that, but now… 

Everything was different. Turned upside down, ripped away from him and twisted.

He didn’t know Eleven anymore.

“Told you… What?” Erik settled on asking. Jade was too smart to fall for him playing dumb, as stupid as he already was, he was no actor. But fooling her wasn’t his plan, wasn’t something he could ever hope to achieve. 

No, he just needed to stay vague enough to get the story from her, first.

But maybe being at sea so long with the most intellectual challenge he faced was silly little games to pass the time… She, of course, gave not an inch of ground. “You know exactly what, don’t even pretend. About the time sphere, Erik. You need to go home.”

Erik didn’t get up. He was fine where he was. He was fine as he was. “I abandoned him. I don’t think there’s anything left for me to go back to.”

Jade extended a hand to help him up. “Do you really think he loves you so little, that abandoning him makes a difference?”

It wasn’t… 

He’s been gone for so long. 

There wasn’t any way he still… 

Erik didn’t take her hand. He only just managed a half-hearted shrug. 

It wasn’t even so much that Erik didn’t believe that Eleven could still love him, he knew well that his own feelings hadn’t faded or vanished, those nights with the fishermen were proof enough of that, but… 

Erik didn’t know if he could go back at all, if he’d be welcomed back, or if he even should.

Silence was clearly not the response Jade was going for. 

She let out a long-suffering sigh, and pinched the bridge of her nose, muttering something about men under her breath. 

“Look,” She began, voice stern. “I’m just here to oversee the festival, but I’ll be going to Dundrasil when it’s over for a colloquy. I’m not going to force you to come with me, but I really think you should.”

Erik didn’t answer. 

“Think about it.” Jade pleaded with him. “You have time.”

Even if he went back… Was he ready to face Eleven again? Ready to face up to everything he’d done, or the mistakes that he’d made? “I don’t know… I don’t know if I want to take him back.” Erik confessed. 

“Then don’t.” Jade said, “I’m not making you do anything, and I’m not even asking you to do anything more than just talk to him.” She paused, hesitating, wondering if continuing on would be beneficial, or detrimental. As much as she wanted Erik to return, and try to at least attempt to make things right… She did not want to pressure him. But… “He’s miserable, Erik. It took me months to drag him out of the hole he’d dug himself into. Just… Just talk to him. It doesn’t have to be now, but eventually. You can’t hide from it forever.”

Silence stretched between the three of them, unnatural and uncomfortable and choking. 

Erik hadn’t ever been a social butterfly, hadn’t ever not had his foot in his mouth, and hadn’t ever been the one to brighten rooms with his mere presence. 

He was used to unintentionally causing more than his fair share of awkward silences, but even for him, this was a lot.

“I really fucked everything up.” He said, staring at his hands. If he’d just asked Eleven, if he’d just stayed home, if he’d just… Done anything different.

“You have both made mistakes.” Hendrik cut in, speaking up once more. “But they are not irreparable.”

Noise rose from the town below them, and Jade straightened from where she’d been leaning against the wall. 

“I have to go, but you’re welcome to rest here. If you decide to come, we’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

“If I don’t?” 

Jade’s eyes hardened. “Then at the very least, please at least wait to say goodbye before you vanish again.” She turned on her heel, and stalked out of the room, her knight at her heels.

Leaving Erik alone with his thoughts.

It took him a few minutes to muster the energy to rise from the floor. 

He  _ could  _ leave.

Jade’s unspoken threats or not, there wasn’t anything stopping him from just leaving. 

He could leave Gondolia entirely. It wasn’t too far to Gallopolis, and unbearable heat or not he was sure he could catch a ride on a merchant’s cart if he offered enough help. 

But he wouldn’t.

Jade was right.

He’d been hiding for long enough, it was time to face the consequences of what he’d done. What Eleven had done.

Erik moved to the window, and looked out at the festival.

Twice now, he’d been in this town since that disastrous first visit, when he’d been tied up by Jasper, pretty bait for the Luminary. 

That was the first… 

The second visit, he hadn’t minded. 

It was right before everything went south. Before Dundrasil began its restoration. 

Just a weekend here, with Eleven.

But that memory was tainted, now. Which one had that been? His Ellie, or this Eleven? Which one had joined him at the window, watching the boats sail by, standing so close, an arm around his shoulders, his chest flush to Erik’s back?

Maybe he’d find out, after all, he’d be seeing him again soon enough.

The festival passed quickly, too fast for Erik’s poor nerves, but when everything was done with and Jade opened the inn room door to find him still there, she actually smiled. 

They didn’t speak much that evening, nor the morning after.

She gave Erik the time he needed to find his ship, and explain to the sailors he’d been traveling with that he wouldn’t be joining them again this time.

_ Maybe another time _ , Erik had said, if he found them in Puerto Valor again. 

He didn’t know how long it would be before he found himself in the port again. If he’d go back at all after this visit.

Not even any worst-case scenarios had cropped up in his mind.

For once, Erik found himself without even the slightest idea of what he could be walking into.

He’d fought through escaping Heliodor, through all sorts of monsters, through  _ goddamn Calasmos _ , and another version of himself had even seen through an apocalypse, but facing Eleven now seemed to throw all those challenges out of the water.

It was easy enough to avoid Jade and Hendrik on the ship they took from Gondolia to the Zwardsrust coasts, but the time passed so unbearably slowly with nothing to do.

There weren’t even any monster attacks.

The ship wasn’t outfitted with any weapons, and as far as Erik could tell, there weren’t any spellcasters protecting them, either.

It was good, really. That the world had found such peace, such safety, but… 

It had been quite a while, and Erik was itching to sink his blade into  _ something. _

Maybe on land, they would find something Erik could work out all his nervous energy out on.

Or maybe, he wouldn’t even have a chance.

They weren’t walking over the footpaths and down the newly paved roads. The only glimpse of the outside world he got was through the thinnest slit of the curtain covering the small window of the carriage door.

The carriage he was currently sharing with Jade.

And,  _ why? _

He should be outside, walking alongside, right? Wouldn’t that be what’s  _ proper _ ?

For the umteenth time, Erik pulled the curtain aside and peered into the forests they were passing through.

It was beginning to look familiar.

Erik was sure he saw himself, a year and a half younger, walking in the opposite direction, not a plan in mind other than  _ as far away as possible _ .

Through a clearing in the trees, he caught sight of the Dundrasillian castle, a tower standing tall on the hill. 

Instantly, Erik felt as if the air inside the carriage wasn’t enough to fill his lungs. It was too hard to breathe it in, it was too small to keep calm in-

“I-I’m sorry-“ Erik stuttered out half an apology, not even entirely sure himself what he was sorry about, or what he was about to do until he had the door open, and was half-falling half-throwing himself out onto the dirt road. 

He wasn’t trying to run.

He didn’t have the stomach to do that, again.

Instead, he just kneeled in the dirt track, numb to the way the procession all stopped around him even as his panicked thoughts continued forward.

Even as much as he tried, Erik couldn’t reach out and grasp onto a single one of the flickering thoughts, instead trying to ground himself with his hands holding tight to either arm, nails digging in through the sleeves of his tunic.

A heavy breath shuddered out of him, alongside a pitiful sound he didn’t want to put a name to.

He wasn’t about to cry over his proximity to the castle surrounded by the gleaming eyes of a royal procession. 

Absolutely not.

He wasn’t-

He-

“Hendrik, some privacy, please?” Jade’s voice was a clean cut through the fog in his mind. 

Her hand found his shoulder, and even in her fancy dress, she didn’t hesitate to drop down next to him, not a thought spared for the dust that would surely stain the ruffles and lace and whatever you called all the different facets and parts-

She was speaking to him softly, calming platitudes that didn’t quite reach his ears. 

“Just breathe, that’s it, it’s okay.” Ever since he met her, well… Ever since he gave up his silly grudge about her kicking his ass in Octogonia, Jade had always been kind to him, underneath the cold exterior she presented to strangers. 

Eleven was lucky to have such a good sister. 

Erik wasn’t anything like her. 

Had Mia ever met Jade? Maybe he could introduce them. She deserved to have a positive big sister type influence. Someone who was a better sibling than Erik was. Someone who didn’t take off one day with nothing but the occasional letter he never even really knew that made it through the post. 

Eventually, Erik calmed down.

Feeling more ashamed of the remaining quiver in his hands than any more real panic. 

Slowly, Jade took her hand away, and helped Erik to his feet.

If there were tear tracks on his face, then she didn’t mention it.

“Are you ready to go?” She asked, “Or do we need to give it another few minutes?”

“Can- can we leave the curtains open?” Erik asked, after he nodded, and Hendrik reappeared from wherever it was he went to help her back into the carriage.

Jade waited until they had regained some of the ground they’d lost before she spoke again.

Erik was ready to deal with her questions, thankful that he knew now that she wouldn’t ridicule him. 

He felt better now, really, and it didn’t take a scholar to know why.

He never let himself grieve over what he lost with Eleven. Never let himself grieve for Ellie.

But now that he cried, even if it wasn’t in any way that he should have, as a panic attack than natural grief, it helped. 

His anxiety wasn’t gone, far from it, but all the same… 

“You don’t have to see him if you truly cannot.” Jade said, “I’m sorry if I was too forceful.”

“No.” Erik said, “Don’t apologize. You’re right, I need to talk to him.” It was easier to sit in here now, with the fresh air breezing through. Easier to look back on how entirely stupid he had been. “I shouldn’t have left like I did, without a word to anyone.”

“It was stupid of you, yes.” Jade took no trouble in conceding, “But it was understandable. You were confused and hurt.”

That was hardly the beginning of it. “I don’t know what I’m going to say.” The way he left… The way Eleven had let him… “How am I supposed to fix this?”

“You don’t.” Jade said, “You go talk to El, you  _ both  _ apologize for being stupid jackasses, and you decide if there is anything worth salvaging.”

There should be. Erik- he still loved Ellie, and if he could just reconcile this new Eleven with him, then maybe it could work.

It’s just that… He didn’t know if Eleven could do the same for him. “And if there isn’t?”

“Then you move on.” Jade answered, “I’m sorry, Erik, but there isn’t just any one solution. But, you can start by saying ‘sorry,’ and maybe ‘thank you.’”

“Why would I thank-“

“You’ve got a tidy amount of money saved up, now. All that money you sent for Mia’s tuition has been growing in a bank account for you, Eleven has been paying for her tuition. He felt it was the least he could do. We tried to get in touch, but none of our letters ever seemed to reach you.” 

They wouldn’t have, with how little he was in the same place. But-

The carriage slowed, and Erik could hear the people around them begin to unload. “I didn’t-“

“I can see where your thoughts are going from here.” Jade interrupted him, “He can afford it, with all the gold he’s saved up over the years. You do not owe him, Mia does not owe him. But you can count on her never needing to worry about it again. Just accept this gift, okay?”

“Okay.” Erik said, leaving the carriage once more, but in a hopefully much more dignified manner. 

Dundrasil was so much bigger than he remembered. The buildings that had only begun reconstruction when he left were all completed. The roads beautifully kept, storefronts bustling in the early evening light. 

And the castle… Standing tall and proud up above.

Out of reach.

“You don’t have to do this today.” Jade told him as they began their march up through the town square. Erik was sure he looked out of place next to the princess, it having been so long since he felt like he belonged at the side of a noble. “You can give it time if you need to. He’ll be here tomorrow.”

_ But can I trust myself to be? _ No. Erik needed to do this now, before he lost his nerve.

~~

Standing before the throne felt almost too much like it had felt to stand before a judge.

Only-

A judge wouldn’t look so bedraggled. A judge wouldn’t look so torn between fear and elation. 

The throne room was anything but empty, with Rab seated at one throne, Eleven at the second, and the entire room lined with armed guards.

That-

That hadn’t been in the plan, had it? So many… Erik felt a flush creep up his neck from all the eyes on him, but from one single pair, specifically.

Eyes that were only torn away when Rab spoke up.

“Why don’t the two of ye get some air?” He suggested, “Leave all the boring work to me for a change?”

Eleven hesitated, eyes darting from Erik to the princess and her entourage, but gave a quick nod and stood.

Flanked by two guards, Erik followed the prince, followed  _ Eleven _ , through the place that was once meant to be his home. 

The gardens were even more grand than Erik remembered them. Flora from all over Erdrea grew side by side, magic giving them everything they needed to bloom even in Dundrasil’s more temperate climate. And the gardens were not the only thing that had changed.

Eleven was different.

Erik felt the divide that had driven him away even more clearly now, looking at Eleven, dressed regally, crown balanced perfectly atop his head, walking silently just a few steps ahead… 

Erik had to tell himself that coming here wasn’t a mistake.

That there was no way Jade was this wrong, that there wasn’t any way his old friend would’ve brought him here just to set him up for failure…

“You’ve grown out your hair.”

El had stopped. He was looking at Erik, smiling, but his voice forced. “It suits you.”

Erik’s hand came up to the back of his neck, where he’d tied back his hair. There hadn’t been any reason to cut it in the past year. It grew slowly, and it hadn’t yet proved to be an annoyance.

It wasn’t  _ that _ long, anyhow. Coming to rest just above his shoulders… 

“You cut yours.” Erik offered back. Eleven’s hair was still cut straight, but the ends only fell to his ears.

It looked silly on him, but Erik wasn’t about to admit that outright.

They once had a relationship where that comment would’ve come off as friendly and teasing, and wouldn’t have offended Eleven at all… But now he didn’t know where he stood. Who he was talking to. The Eleven he used to know, the Eleven he left, or the Prince of Dundrasil. 

“Not me, Angri-La.” Eleven explained, “I wouldn’t have cut it, but when I arrived the first thing they did was shave all of it off.” 

Erik had all but forgotten that Eleven had to go there. That he would’ve had to spend most of the past year there, up in the cold, training with Master Pang.

But before he could get too caught up in that… 

He laughed.

The picture of Ellie without any hair - Erik just  _ lost  _ it. 

There were tears in the corners of his eyes, his lungs burned, but he just couldn’t stop.

And he wasn’t the only one.

It took a moment before Ellie was caught up as well, but he was no less expressive than Erik was.

“I hate that you didn’t see it.” Eleven said after he caught his breath. “Everyone else got a laugh in.”

Maybe Erik did know this man.

The laugh and smile was so familiar, but so old at the same time. A pair of things he hadn’t seen in so long, but felt so much like home.

He was almost surprised, how easily they fell into conversation, after so long apart, but even before they meant what they did to each other, they were partners. 

They finished each other, in a sense. Eleven had all the self-control and forethought that Erik tended to lack, and he in turn brought the quieter man out of his shell.

They brought out the best in each other.

It was a shame they grew apart how they did. 

Eleven had just finished a story about Angri-La and the many misfortunes he had at the hands of Master Pang when Erik found himself launched into the oh-so riveting tale of the four separate scars on his thumb from the four separate fishhooks he gained all at once when-

Erik felt the smile fall from his face.

Eleven was looking at him oddly.

“I-I’m sorry,” Erik stammered out, “I shouldn’t have said-“

“No. No,” Eleven interrupted him, the look fading away. “It’s fine. You just… You told a very similar story to me once.”

“I have?”

“Well, yes.” Eleven looked away. “It just occurred to me that all this time, I’ve been thinking about you and the Erik I left as two separate people, but you aren’t. That wasn’t right of me.”

No. It wasn’t. But for as long as Erik had known the difference… He was guilty of the same thing. “Since- since I left,” Erik ventured, his heart beating loud, unsure of whether or not this would help or destroy what was left, “I’ve had you separated as two in my mind. I- I thought that I had left Eleven, that you weren’t  _ Ellie  _ anymore.” He prayed that Eleven understood why he was saying this. Not that he still wanted them to be two separate people, one to remember loving, and one to remember leaving, but that he truly understood.

Eleven-  _ Ellie _ , they were the same- laughed. Short, quiet, without any humor. 

He understood.

He waited just a moment before he met Erik’s eyes again. “I never stopped hoping you’d come back.”

“Thank Jade.” Erik said, “If it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would’ve. I’ve been too scared.”

“Great, just another huge favor I owe her.” Eleven said. 

Silence stretched on for only a few more moments. 

“I never stopped loving you, you know.” Eleven said. “Not for a moment, but- but I understand if you did. I don’t want you to say yes if you don’t want to, I don’t want to pretend ever again but…” He reached out a hand for Erik to take. “I want to make things right, with us.”

It was strained, that much was clear as day.

The ruined trust between them, the gap they both felt was not entirely one or the other's fault, they both played their part in tearing down everything they had built.

But the foundation was still there, still strong.

It would take time, and it would take work, but they could give this another shot.

“No more secrets?” Erik asked before he took Eleven’s hand. 

“No more.” Eleven said, his grip closing gently around Erik’s hand. “Will you come home?”

Erik found himself agreeing easily. Home. That wasn’t what Dundrasil had ever been to him, but moving wasn’t too big a chore. He didn’t have much to pack. “I’m home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t entirely what I had hoped it to be, and I may come back to it in a few months to touch it up and edit it a bit more, but I didn’t want to leave it hanging at half done for the foreseeable future, either.


End file.
